Did you know this is Considered Domestic Abuse?

Everyone knows that physical abuse is never ok! But what about other facets of domestic abuse like verbal, mental, financial and spiritual abuse.

This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is not a topic I would normally write about, however, this year I have had a few people very close to me dealing with abuse firsthand. Because of this, the topic has been forefront and center and I felt compelled to share some of the things I have learned about the topic of abuse.

First of all, what is domestic abuse?

“Domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.” - The National Domestic Violence Hotline

As you can see domestic abuse is so much more than just physical harm. I would also like to add that it is not limited to adults in a romantic relationship. Anyone in the household whether a woman, man or child can be a victim of the abuse.

I believe that many people have a very limited view of what constitutes abuse.

When some of the loved ones close to me worked toward leaving an abusive situation, these are some of the comments made by other people. “Were they physically hurt?” “Are they overreacting?”  “People need to learn to forgive their families no matter what.”  “As long as they are not in physical danger they should not leave.”  “God put them together for a reason.”  “Children need to honor their parents.”The other misconception I have noticed is that couples counseling with fix everything. When in fact it could make things much worse.

“The primary reason we don’t recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner. Focusing on communication or other relationship issues distracts from the abusive behavior, and may actually reinforce it in some cases. Additionally, a therapist may not be aware that abuse is present and inadvertently encourage the abuse to continue or escalate.” - The National Domestic Violence Hotline

As you can see there are some serious misconceptions here. Abuse is so much more than a physical act! This is why I want to share about a few of the less talked about forms of domestic abuse.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse typically involves name-calling and making threats. But it can also be so much more. Including gaslighting, constant correction, interrupting, belittling, and even prolonged silent treatment can be forms of verbal abuse. Sadly many people experience verbal abuse on a daily basis but do not recognize it.

Mental and Emotional Abuse

Mental and emotional abuse is very hard to recognize. It can be done very subtly or very overtly. Either way, over time it will destroy a person’s self-esteem, self-worth and even cause them to question their thoughts and reality.

“The underlying goal in emotional abuse is to control the victim by discrediting, isolating, and silencing. If you feel wounded, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, depressed, anxious or worthless any time you interact, chances are high that your relationship is emotionally abusive.” – Very Well Mind Visit the link above for more examples of mental and emotional abuse.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is extremely common and there is often other forms of abuse present in the relationship. This type of abuse uses finance as a way of control. Some examples would be not allowing their partner to work, giving no access to funds, making them account for every penny spent and reminding them that they are not capable of providing for themselves. This makes the victim dependent on their abuser.

“While less commonly understood than other forms of abuse, financial abuse is one of the most powerful methods of keeping a victim trapped in an abusive relationship. Research shows that victims often are too concerned about their ability to provide financially for themselves and their children to end the relationship. Plus, financial insecurity is one of the top reasons women return to an abusive partner.” – Very Well Mind

Spiritual and Religious Abuse

Spiritual abuse is whenever someone uses religion for their own gain or control. It happens in church’s and in relationships alike. Here are a few simple examples of spiritual abuse.Children obey your parents. Even if that means being beaten for hours because God has given them authority over you.Wives honor your husbands. He is the head and everything he does is ordained by God. Never complain or question him. Even if he is a total jerk.It is a sin to lie to your parents or spouse. But you must keep what happens in this house a secret or bad things will happen to everyone involved and it will all be your fault.Often times when people use religion to control they pick and choose the parts of their beliefs that suite them and what they want to achieve.

Why am I sharing on this topic?

First, after seeing abusive relationships first hand this year it completely changed my perspective. Domestic abuse is very multi-faceted and involves men, women, and children. I strongly believe we need to broaden our understanding of domestic abuse.Second, one of the key things that all types of abuse have in common is ISOLATION. The abuser wants to have their victims isolated, to believe that they are all alone and no one cares or would believe what they are going through. This is a LIE. You are not alone! There are people out there willing to listen and able to help.

If you read to the end, thank you for being open to learning more about this topic and please help to share and spread awareness.

Below I have included a few resources if you or someone you care for is looking for help. Leaving an abusive situation can be extremely hard and many people can’t do it without a good support system.The National Domestic Violence HotlineNational Child Abuse HotlineFutures Without Violence National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma, and Mental Health The Purple Purse (This organization has a special focus on Financial Abuse)