The Emotional Effects of Miscarriage that Need to be Talked About
Miscarriage: The spontaneous loss of a woman’s pregnancy before the 20th week that can be both physically and emotionally painful.
My miscarriage story
In November of 2017, I experienced a miscarriage. I was in the very early stages of pregnancy, just six weeks along. At week 4.5, I took a pregnancy test and was ecstatic when I found out that my pregnancy hunch was correct.I only knew I was pregnant a little over a week, but the emotional scar of losing my baby has stuck with me and was more painful than I ever imagined.Before experiencing my miscarriage, I did not fully understand the emotional toll that it could cause. I experienced deep, raw, grief. A feeling I had not experienced since 2014, when my dad died of cancer.This honestly took me off guard. Of course, I assumed there would be sadness and it would take time to process. But I had no idea to what extent.It was not until the start of the New Year, in 2018 that I was able to really let go. I buried my little one and said, “Goodbye, until we meet again.” That was one of the most therapeutic steps I made in my healing process.In addition to the grief, there were a few more aspects to my miscarriage I had not anticipated.
Jealousy and sadness
That’s right, I fully admit it. There are moments when I see pregnant ladies, hear a pregnancy announcement or really anything pregnancy related and I feel a hint of jealousy, sadness and more of that deep grief. Don’t get me wrong, I also feel genuine joy and happiness for these mamas to be.One of the craziest things about deep emotions is that we can feel a negative and a positive emotion at the same time. After my dad passed away, I learned this first hand. I could feel genuine happiness regarding a joyful memory, while at the same time be feeling deep sadness that he was no longer here.These complex emotions after my miscarriage really threw me off guard at first. But I have come to realize that the negative emotions that accompany grief and loss can coexist with joy.So, to any pregnant mamas reading this, I am genuinely beyond the moon excited for you!!!
We all process differently
Recently, one of my friends and fellow bloggers shared a wonderful blog post about miscarriage and infant loss. This is an amazing blog post! Both for those who have experienced miscarriage and those that want to know how to help someone that has experienced a miscarriage. The part that resonated with me most was that people will all process their experience differently.For a while, I thought there was something wrong with me because I did not want to share about my miscarriage. To this day, I have only told a handful of people about my experience. I have avoided this blog post for months. But honestly, I am ok with that and know that I have to allow myself to process in my own time.
There is no such thing as a “good time” to share our pain
When my miscarriage first happened, I did not want to say anything because I didn’t want to be a downer during the holiday season. Then every time I considered talking about it, someone else was experiencing something way worse. I had friends dealing with cancer, infant death, the loss of parents and the list continues.Over time, I have come to realize that there will always be someone dealing with a hardship that seems worse than yours. However, it is important to understand that this does not mean your pain and suffering should be ignored or belittled.
For any mama going through this, remember
Allow yourself to grieve the loss. Feeling a hint of jealousy and sadness when you see pregnant people is normal and doesn’t make you a bad person. Everyone will process and work through their experience differently and in their own time. Don’t ignore or belittle your pain because someone else is experiencing something that seems worse.